Slippin' it Sideways...
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
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ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
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ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
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ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
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ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s twenty, much like your IQ.
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ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
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ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: getting laid
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ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
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ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
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ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
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ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
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ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
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ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
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And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
Citing popular demand and the vast increases in racing safety that have been developed over the last 25 years, the Fédération Internationale de l’Automobile (or FIA to us Anglophones) has announced that they will be bringing back the Group B class of rally cars staring next year. Woo hoo!
The details required of the entrants will be more or less carried over from the original Group B racers in the ’80s: all Group B vehicles must be two-seat sports cars, and they must be homologated to the tune of 200 units. (However, to accommodate the larger engine sizes common today, the four old classes of the group have been modified; while the weights remain the same, all four classes have had their maximum allowed engine displacement bumped up one liter.) While the FIA expects most of the cars in the 2012 season will be based on sports cars already in production, they hope the return of the brand will inspire manufacturers to create new world-class vehicles for the group.
Adding to the excitement currently happening in our pants, the Volkswagen Group is already on board with the plan in a big way. VW CEO Martin Winterkorn announced today that not only will his group be involved, every single one of the VW Group’s brands will be fielding a Group B competitor in the next few years. Lamborghini will be first, running a rally version of the Sesto Elemento that uses a Gallardo V10 downsized to 5.0 liters; following that, Bentley will introduce a Group B version of the next-generation Continental Supersports in 2013, with Audi taking the new Quattro racing in 2014. Here’s hoping VW’s example inspires the rest of the automotive world to follow suit. [via FIA]
(In case you hadn’t figured it out, this post is entirely fictional, and was created as part of our April Fools’ Day coverage.)
