Courtroom Humor

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I’m going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Drifters Bible

You know you're a drifter if...

- When you drive, you look out your side window more than your windscreen.
- You think the primary purpose of wings is to PREVENT flight
- You are happiest when your street car's tires are worn to racing depth and the wear bars are showing
- When something falls off of your car, you wonder how much weight you just saved
- People remembers you by your car stickers instead of colours
- Passenger seats are luxury items
- You bought a car before you buy a house
- you upgrade your car to Stage 3, and yet you haven't bought a house.
- You think scrape marks on your car is beautiful, and you proud of it like a battle scar.
- Instead of hidding pornos under the bed, you hide car parts under your bed from your significant other.
- After winning a lottery, the first thing you'll think off is upgrade your drift car...
- You save broken car parts as "momentous".
- You quote your street tire wear life in weeks rather than miles.
- Your car have more torque readings than HP.
- You love rainy days.
- You enjoy driving through winding roads than straight highways.
- You know where are all the clipping point on the route between your house and your office.
- When you go shopping, you leave shopping cart drift lines on the aisle.
- You look at empty carparks and stared at it without blinking.
- You always want to change something on your street car to make it handle better
- You have the urge to dab the throttle everytime you do a U-Turn.
- You believe that to turn right, you need to turn the steering left.

You drifted TOO MUCH if...
- Tyre manufacturers send tyre samples in hope of endorsements.
- You spend more on tires than on food.
- You spend more on car insurance than on house payments.
- You sit in your race car in a dark garage and make car noises and shift and practice your heel and toe, while waiting for your motor to get back from the machine shop
- You have enough spare parts to build another car
- Your family members moved the family TV and couch to your garage to send time with you
- Your kids play with car halfcuts instead of toys while growing up.
- You make sure your wife and kids are secured in your car with at least a 4-point harness.
- You make sure your significant other and your kids wear helmets when you're driving.
- More than one racer supply store recognizes your voice and greets you by name when you call
- A neighbor asks if you have any oil, to which you query, "Synthetic or organic?" and they reply, "Vegetable or corn."
- After you tell your wife where you'd like to go on vacation she answers: "Why...is there a drift event there?"
- You watched Fast and Furious : Tokyo Drift and you think "I Can do better than THAT!"
- You are the type of person who goes postal when you have to sit in a traffic jam for more than five minutes, yet you can spend five hours in the staging lanes
- You wash your car like it was your firstborn child, you tend to its needs like it was your own body, you protect it like it's your family, then you drive it like you stole it
- Your mechanic names the new wing of his shop after you
- You're tempted to wear your racing suit just to drive to the office
- You get pulled over for doing 150kmh in a 70kmh area but the cops will let you go if "they can look under the hood"
- Small animals and neighbour pets went to hiding when you approach any corner.
- When you play driving simulation games, you tried to set the car to oversteer and tried to drift in it... even in F1 races.
- The UPS guy took to taking Steroids so he could keep up with your shipments

Daily Random's

Some Rules that NEWTON forgot to mention:

Law of the Telephone: When you dial a wrong number, you never get an engaged tone.

Law of Mechanical Repair: After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch.
...

Law of the Workshop: Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the
least accessible corner.

Law of the Alibi: If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire.

Bath THEOREM: When the body is immersed in water, the telephone rings.

LAW OF ENCOUNTERS: The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

LAW of the RESULT: When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will!

LAW OF BIO MECHANICS: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

LAW OF COFFEE: As soon as you sit down for a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold..

The Definitive Guide To Derogatory Auto Acronyms

Acura:

All Customers Undergo Repair Anxiety

Alfa-Romeo:

All Loosely Fitted Accessories Remain On Motorway Enraging Others (via Blue Meanie)

Aston Martin:

Anglophiles Seek To Own, Now Many Are Really Trashy, I Notice

Audi:

Aging, Unfulfilled Dentists' Investment

Attention: User Doesn't Indicate! (via del_ta)

Bentley:

British Excess Needs To Leave Everywhere, Yesterday

BMW:

(for) Bitchy Men, Women

Big Money Wasted (via bearslayer)

Bring Mama's Wallet (via Slave2anMG)

Bugatti:

"Bangin' Underground Gangsta Attitude" Trumps Techy Image

Buick:

Big, Underpowered, Impressing China Keenly (via sisonju)

Bearing Unimpressive I4s, Current as Kennedy (via sisonju)

Cadillac:

Can American Designers Invent Lovely Lines? Apparently, Can't.

Chevrolet:

Cheap Heaps: Expect Very Routine Owner Letdowns, Excessive Trouble

Chrysler:

Can Hear Revs, Yet Sense Little Engine Reaction

Citröen:

Crap Interior Terrible Road-holding Owned Entirely by Nutters (via skinnayyy)

Dacia:

(in Romanian) Daca Ai Cap, Iei Altceva (If you're smart, buy something else) (via ratonbox)

Dodge:

Doddering Old Dudes Get Excited

Ferrari:

Fragile, Expensive Rides Repel All Reasonable Individuals

Fiat:

Fix It Again, Tony*

Ford:

Fix Or Repair Daily*

Found On Road Dead (via Bill Childers)

GMC:

Great, More Crap (via Pure87)

Holden:

Horrible Old Lump of Decrepit Engineering Nonsense (via Jon Etkins)

Honda:

Has Only Normal, Dull Attributes

Horsepower Option Never Did Appear (via Aldairion)

Had One, Never Did Again (via Aldairion)

Hummer:

Huge, Usually Male Member Enlarger Replacement

Hyundai:

Hope You Understand No Dependable Autos Included

Jaguar:

Jerks Are Giving Unasked Advice Regularly

Just Another Gearbox Under Annual Repair (via MurmurSuicidePact)

Jesus! Another Ghastly, Unbelievably Annoying Repair (via Tonylukes)

Jeep:

Just Expect Excessive Problems

Kia:

Korean Idiot's Attempt

Lamborghini:

Less Able Men Buy Only Really Gaudy High-priced Italian Narcissism Implements

Land Rover:

Lame Americans Need Dumb, Really Oversized Vehicles, England Realized

Lexus:

Luxury Equipment Xeroxed, Used Seldom

Lincoln:

Luxury Is Now Cheesy On Latest Navigators

Lotus:

Lightness Out; Tubbiness Ubiquitous, Sadly

Maserati:

Mechanically Adept Souls Expect Repairs All Times, Indefinitely

Maybach:

Mercedes, And Yet Buyers Almost Completely Hypothetical

Mazda:

Mainstream Ads, "Zoom-Zoom" Denote Apathy

Mercedes-Benz:

Mechanical Engineers Regret Choices, Especially Designing Expensive Stuff, But Executives Need Zillions

Mercury:

Massive Engines Run Curiously Underpowered Rolling Yawnbarges (via Cheh Poh'r)

Mini:

Metrosexual Idiots Need Instructions

Mitsubishi:

Mechanics Investigate Trouble, Some Understand, But It's Sure Had It

Morgan:

Merkin-Owning Rich Geezers Are (the) Norm

Nissan:

Nasty Import Styles Seem All Normal

Oldsmobile:

Old Ladies Driving Slowly Making Others Behind Incessantly Late Everyday (viaRedRaider922)

Pagani:

Prissy Aristocrats Gather Accumulated Net Income (via Klic)

Pontiac:

Ponderous, Old, Noisy— These Indicate Attributes, Clearly

Porsche:

Pricks Or Rich Shitheads Can Have ‘Em

Rolls-Royce:

Rich Old Lame Louts Still Run Over Your Childhood Expectations

Saab:

Sadly Absent, Always Broken

Saturn:

Slow And Tasteless: Upgrade Right Now!

Simpletons Attracted To Unconventional Retail Network (via ginsunh)

Scion:

Stupid Children Ignoring Ordinary Notions (via ScottyDsntKnw25)

Sad Cars Inspire Only Nausea

Smart:

Smug Men Are Really Tiny

Subaru:

Shift Up, Because Always Revs Unnecessarily

Suzuki:

Sadly Uninspired Zip Ultimately Kills It

Tesla:

Technology Excesses Seem Lame, Actually

Toyota:

Totally Ordinary Yawn-Optimizing Tedious Autos

Volkswagen:

Very Ordinary Looking Krautwagons Saddled With Apathetic German Engineering Now

Volvo:

Violation Of Law: Vehicular Obesity

Vacuous Owners Love Vehicular Oddities (via misterfrontrow)